Fantasy gifts for the New Year AND the mini-radio reunion/bank robbery report!


Before the "behind the scenes" look at the mini radio reunion; I want to hand out my fantasy gifts for our local media kids.


WATE television local news department fantasy gift package:

1. Upon opening the giant box you will see on top an announcement of the firing of who or whatever is consulting your news department!

2. Just under the announcement you will see a short list of things that will overcome the problems created by the former consultant. Included is new steady cams, you know the kind that won't shake when the user is trying to inject drama into a report.

3. Next is a bound book of the history of WATE all the way back to the day it became East Tennessee's FIRST television station, with all of the periods of HIGH RATINGS and their causes underlined.

4. An 8X10 of Gene Patterson stapled to an 8X10 of John Becker and the note on the back saying "YOU HAVE GENE THEY HAVE JOHN, NOW DO YOU GET IT?"

5. A copy of the "this is how I get out of this thing" clause in the Oprah show contract.

6. A velvet painting of a clock showing the 6 p.m. hour and the words, "THIS IS THE TIME OF RECORD, FORGET ABOUT THE 5"

7. A list of what it would take to hire Schwall and a clandestine meeting place in Rockford to work out the details.

8. A tall stack of apology notes signed by every person drawing a check from the station and addressed to every source the news department has alienated over the last 48 months.

9. A new extended contract for Wogan with a healthy raise.

10. A large increase in the promotional budget to let the viewers know about all of the above.


WVLT Fantasy gift.

A life time contract for Chef Walter and a guarantee he will both live another 50 years and never cook a thing that calls for over 6 ingredients to prepare.

WBIR Fantasy gift.

A clothing gift certificate for Julya and guidance in her clothing selections by Robin.

WIVK Fantasy gift
The staff stays healthy, Citadel doesn't do something stupid to Ed, and the station remains the flag ship station of the VOLS for 9 more national championships in football, and 10 in Men's basketball.




The Mini-Radio Reunion

For the second year running WVLZ (1180) radio has invited burned out old DJs to tell lies around the holiday season. This year I drug in about 8 in the morning, said hello to someone in the hall who acted like he knew me, walked quickly into the control room, slammed the door, and sat down. Seconds later MIKE BEACH came in and thanked me for both not remembering who he was (I remember Beach, just didn't know the old dude in the hall) and slamming the door in his face!

Eddy Beacon did the hosting and together we covered all the old stories complete with slanderous lies about those who were either dead or not in studio. Beach told us he was the guy to first hire Mike Hammond, Eddy talked about the days he worked for the late great James Brown at his Knoxville owned radio station while I brought up the more recent Beacon Bank Robbery.




First whatever you read in the paper or saw on the television was fabricated by a local media gone wild for ratings group of Neojournalisticleftwingcommieclones driven by a blood hunger for viewers that constantly makes them kick the rules of ethics and journalism under the bus.

Beacon told us he was not involved in any bank heist, but rather innocently transporting a Doberman to Atlanta to pick up five thousand dollars for simply mounting something of the same species. As for the man with the dog, Eddy described him as a rather nice fellow with facial and body ink, stylish boots and cash money to play for the transport of said dog.

I would give you more details but I have signed an agreement with the producers of COPS to let them reveal the rest of the story. Look for it to air one week after Beacon appears on both Larry King and Nancy Grace.