Staff is down at the creek
mud crawling (we need rain!) and
cooking some fine
Lonsdale Sort Of Meat Dawgs
while the skeleton crew
answers the phone and
puts some things up for you
to read.
Are you glued to
your ZENITH watching
the CHINA OLYMPICS?
Ever wonder just what
in the dang world
those people with the
funny eyes
are saying?Well here is a
fast translation
of words those
diminutive folks
are screaming when
their 4 year old
gymnastic girl
wins another gold!
This thing takes about
five minutes so if
you are on the lap top you
can take it into the throne
room and come out speaking
just like you owned a rice
paddy and one of those pointed
hats!
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes (You MUST read them aloud) English - Chinese
That's not right! Sum Ting Wong
Are you harbouring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me ASAP Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man Dum Fuk
Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table! Ai Bang Mai Fu Kin Ni
I think you need a face lift! Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here! Wai So Dim
I thought you were on a diet! Wai Yu Mun Ching
This is a tow away zone! No Pah King
Our meeting is scheduled for next week! Wai Yu Kum Nao
Staying out of sight Lei Ying Lo
He's cleaning his automobile Wa Shing Ka
Your body odour is offensive Yu Stin Ki Pu
Great Fa Kin Su Pa
LOCALLY like in
the here in the mountains
High School football is
so close to starting you
can smell the CRUEX!
As you know the first of
next month the First Church Of
the Big Orange opens its
doors!
SEC Football
Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically
different than up North. For those who are planning a football
trip South, here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories:
NORTH: Chap Stick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front
pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof
mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's
what dates are for.
Stadium Size:
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers:
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor:
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen:
NORTH: Also physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes:
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani.
SOUTH: Herschel Walker & Peyton Manning.
Getting Tickets:
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office
on campus.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office
on campus, make a large financial contribution, and put name
on a waiting list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game:
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the
game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want
to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking:
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the
campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on
Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on
Tuesday.
Game Day:
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and
rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting 'Game Day Live' to
get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why 'Game Day
Live'
is never broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating:
NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to
local radio station with truck tailgate down
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn.
Cooking accompanied by live performance from the Dave Matthews Band,
who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium:
NORTH: You ask 'Where's the stadium?' When you find it, you
walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it is the
state's third largest city.
Concessions:
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's
mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure
enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played:
NORTH: Stands are less than half full, and less than half of
them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect
four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score:
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male):
NORTH: 'Nice play.'
SOUTH: 'Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.'
Commentary (Female):
NORTH: 'My, this certainly is a violent sport.'
SOUTH: 'Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.'
Announcers:
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song,
with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game:
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody
goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and
planning begins for next week's game.
HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
At VANDERBILT: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one more
to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at
Harvard.
At GEORGIA: It takes two, one to change the bulb and one to
stabilize the rolling beer cooler the bulb changer is using for a ladder.
At FLORIDA: It takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to
figure out how to get stoned off the old one.
At ALABAMA: It takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce
about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb
at an NCAA investigator.
At OLE MISS: It takes six, one to change it, two to mix the
drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for
the occasion.
At LSU: It takes seven, and each one gets credit for five
Semester hours.
At KENTUCKY : It takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to
discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.
At TENNESSEE: It takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it
in, two to buy an orange lamp shade, and six to phone a radio call-in
show and talk about how much they hate Alabama.
At MISSISSIPPI STATE: It takes fifteen, one to screw in the
bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, 'GO TO HELL, OLE MISS'.
At AUBURN: It takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to
talk about how they did it better than at Bama and Georgia, and
fifty to get drunk and roll Toomer's Corner when finished.
At SOUTH CAROLINA: It takes 80,000, one to screw it in and
79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a
decent football team.
At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas
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